turntable

I sit there staring at the changing colors of the glass, the beautiful roses and hummingbirds inside it, thinking about the changing colors in my life ... what delicacy, what joy ...

you and me

I just love this new song, especially now that I have seen the video clip which was filmed in the beautiful Union Station in old town Los Angeles. I should have taken the time to go there again last year, I had such a great time ... maybe this year ...

Union station, LA, October 2003

Birth place of Los Angeles, LA, October 2003

Inside the oldest mission in LA, October 2003

ride

This was the seen after four buses slipped on their way up the hill to school and closed the way.
All the way up the hill, as I saw cars spinning out of control, I was thinking who would be so stupid as to drive up the hill with all the wet snow on the ground. Well, it turns out that public transport only got a little further. We all got off the buses had a good laugh at the seen and walked to school jollier than you could imagine.

I had to call my supervisor to let him know I'd be late, but I was so happy. I had wanted to go walking in the snow but the guilt had taken over. And now here I was, forced to walk in the snow ...

برف

داره برف می آد، برف خیلی سفید ... اینقدر قشنگه که نگو ... یه ده روز دیگه مونده ... می رم برف بازی. آدم برفیهای پارسال رو بگو. امسال هم دوباره همون بساط رو به راه می کنیم و ... برم بخوابم

excess

I want to go dancing ... I really do. There's this energy in me right now and I need to get it out ...

post doc

She got her PhD in biology a few years back. Since then she has taken, I think, three post doctorate positions. Her face is cold, although she is friendly. She doesn't seem to have any friends and almost always wears, if not exactly the same, very similar clothes. She lives close to me, comes to school by bus and has yet to decide where she will go for her next post doc work. Every time I talk to her, I feel worried. The sense of panic is mostly triggered by the thought that I might end up like her. I can explain to myself that there is very little chance of that, for starters, I am a much more social person than her. But the reasoning fails, it usually takes a good half a day to get me back to being the me who is happy with the work she is doing ....

officially winter ...

We woke up to a white day, not that there's that much snow on the ground. But you can see it on the mountains and trees ...

dew

I had never been out on the trail so early in the morning. It was still a little icy and I had to be careful not to slip - actually it wasn't safe to jog on all the trail, I had to walk some of it. The berries tasted as if they had been taken out of the freezer. And, of course, gloves would have been a good idea ... but the exciting part was ... [drum role] ... I found a new stream of water I had never noticed before. The reason is it had always been so noisy that I hadn't heard the water and hadn't looked down ...

divine

Dr Jane is one person I call, dedicated!

cancer

I thought I knew the pain, the sickness, the therapies ... all of it ... but you really don't know until you experience it yourself ...

- Dr Shapiro

later

I have an assignment, a final project and then a final. I have to plan for the next few calendar-events and I have to make myself some final notes on the research I've been doing. There's the photos to take care of, and there are a few people I have to visit before the new year ... a few loose ends to tie and a couple of things to give a little thought to ... I can even think about the half-invitation to Singapore ... but the spot on the couch is too comfortable for me to move, I can smell the food in the kitchen and ... I'll start first thing tomorrow morning with the work ...

over

There are many things in life that are harder when you haven't done them yet. Once they are done, well, ... it wasn't that bad.

it's time

It's cold and it smells right, even the fog is ok - well, it is sunny at school so that works out. I found my self sitting in the cafe, a ton of work in front of me, making a wish-list for Christmas. I have been thinking about the Christmas tree, the snow, Santa - I have been a good girl all year round, the holidays ... I've been debating if I should travel ... may be not. May be I should spend a quiet holiday for a change. You know, relax and enjoy ... I can't stop thinking about the cinnamon-candle smell and the Christmas rush ... I want to go out in the city a lot this year ... I feel like a 5 year-old.

not so bad

My tea's gone cold,
I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could, it'd all be grey,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad
...
...
...
I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

- Thank you (Dido)

hygienist

I always thought of cleaning my teeth like manicure. I just don't get it, if I can do the manicure at home - at most with a kit - how come my dentist insists on going to a hygienist for cleaning? I guess if you ask the make up producer they will tell you that you need to have your manicure done for you ... I hate going to the dentist, let alone having to go for cleaning ... and my gums are soar and ...

art

Science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else we do.*

- Donald E. Knuth

*curtsey of Roozbeh

آوا

صداش مثل فرشته ها بود، عین فرشته ها. اصلا معلوم نبود کی موسیقی قطع می شه، صداش از هر سازی قشنگ تر بود. با فلوت دووت می خوند. وقتی صداش رو پایین بالا می کرد من دیگه هیچ چیز دیگه یادم نمی اومد. نمی دونم کاش چی ولی کاش این صدا همیشه می اومد ... آهان فهمیدم، تو بهشت از خدا می خوام که یه فرشته بهم بده که صداش این جوری باشه و بهش می گم همه اش برام آواز بخونه... کاش لااقل سی-دی اش رو گیر بیارم

بهانه

سارا گفت: "مثل خیابون ولی عصر دم عید " می دونین دلم از اون دکه های گل فروشی توی خیابون ولی عصر می خواد. نمی دونم چرا از بین همه چیز دلم واسه اونا تنگ می شه هر چند وقت. شاید هم بهانه می گیرم، مثل کاهگل ... شاید

invisible

For the first time, the fog outside feels good. I feel it limits the infinity around me, surrounds me so I feel secure. The fog usually spills over night and lasts until the Sun comes out. But I guess the clouds are blocking off the Sun so the fog it lasting through the day.

The fog blocks the far view I had of the mountains and the water. Sometimes it's good to see just now, just today. Sometimes you need to forget that there is a far away tomorrow so you can enjoy the day ...

knot

I read all the signs wrong did I? Did I really? Or maybe I am just making improper judgments? ... what is this? How come I figured it out wrong? It can't be ... is it a maze that didn't have a purpose to start with? ...

P.S. I think I lost my calm self again there. I thought I had taught me to be a little more patient. Hmm, needs more work, more patience ... let's think about the colors in the rainbow and breathe ...

my take - conversation

The next part in establishing a relationship is conversation. Once at least one of the two people have established that a potential connection exists, we are past initiation and onto the next stage.

• From what I gather, the approach at this level depends greatly on whether or not the two people involved are looking at the association from the same viewpoint.
• If both parties are on the same page, the flow should be fairly easy.
• Otherwise obviously some "convincing" needs to be done.
• It is very easy and common to miscommunicate in this phase.
• I think it is extremely important to start revealing thoughts and communicate with your partner in the early stages. This of course is a quality we need to work on through the coarse of the relationship.
• I am not saying we should rush to talk about where the liaison is taking us, but I think you should make sure your partner is following your perspective to some extent ....
• I would say that one should be prepared for some surprises and alterations from the perfect picture ... should be very understanding and tolorant.
• Also, you should give yourself and your partner enough time and space to walk to the next stage.
• It's a period of time when you will wake up each morning feeling like you need a flower to play I love him, I love him not ....
• From my understanding, the key idea is getting to know if you can function as a couple. Function meaning that the relationship can give both of you what you are looking for.
• Now from here on I think there is no place for selfishness. You are committing to a mutual, intimate friendship and that is where the boarders for self and other blur.
• You need to adjust and adapt.
• It's a lot of work and it's a lot of energy, you just have to keep in mind what it might lead to ...

lost

There is a part of me that lives in the past, there is a part of me that thinks about the future, where am I?

grownups

"You were jealous of my colour dreams, claimed to see only black and white at night, so I closed my eyes and invited you in.
Now we both live in the burning house of childhood miniatures of our parents, doll husband and wife. Every night you bathe in the lavender bathroom, eat in the orange kitchen, stand in the sundeck above a lawn of flames."

- Grownups, Evelyn Lau

I have read this piece written in the bus many times, and every time it reminds me of all the people who have told me they dream in black and white; how come? May be they are not that excited about colours during the day, so their brain doesn't colour their dreams?! To tell you the truth, colours play an important role in my dreams and it is every once in a long time that I dream in black and white ....

baby sleep

It was the generation of babies after us who grew up with Dr Ferber's theory of Let Them Cry. Although I know many parents who couldn't hold through their baby's cries, many forced themselves to stay away ... Recently, I saw an interview in which he declared: "It's too much pain that parents are going through, I didn't mean for that to happen"; he has changed his mind. So much for science ... I believe you should always go with your instincts ....

گنج

گنج را گنجور باید ورنه تاراجش برند

گنج دل بردند چون در ویرانه بود

نیما جهان بین -

godsend

It was around 9:00am, I was walking on the balcony talking on the phone and looking around when something green caught my eye. I lifted the empty plant-pots and among the pots of soil I found ... a tiny green leaf. It had grown from the tulip onion I thought was dead and left out with the unused pots last year. I was speechless ... maybe sometimes you should wait a little longer before making decisions ...

ER

Last night, I found myself dialing 911, she wasn't feeling very well ... the paramedic who gave me all the details on how to get to the hospital in case I lost the ambulance ... the Croatian couple who had been here for more than 40 years yet spoke little English; she explained she had worked with German people at a butchery ... the young Chinese couple who were so worried about their kid's allergy to eggs ... the lady with the handcuffs who walked in with two police officers and chatted to one of them about her family and how they were all scattered all around the world ... the lady who was alone, crying with headache ... the old man from England who hadn't been back since he was a child, interesting accent. He told me he had had a heart attack in the hospital last year ... the secretary who told me how to get through the doors to the cafeteria ... and the security guard ... the flirty nurse ... the guy with the Australian accent who took blood samples from all the ER patients ... what a night ...

my take - initiation

The debate over the need (or lack thereof) sacrifice in a relationship reminded me that this topic is long over due. I sat down to write; I decided not to think too much before writing, since I wanted the piece to reflect more of me, than my logic. After all, part of the purpose of writing is to gain a better understanding of oneself.
I'll try to classify the event in a few scripts, the best I can. I understand that the so called stages that I recognize are not general and a relationship in formation may or may not require these steps. I hope this provides us with some common ground, from which we can continue our discussions. Comments are much appreciated.

Initiation

• In order to start off any connection you generally require an attraction factor. If not from the beginning, it will soon have to be mutual; although the source of gravitation may differ in each direction.
• The first charm may not be the dominant one as the relationship is formed, but is the most essential. It is my personal opinion that the better the understanding we have of ourselves, the better we can determine the reason we are attracted to someone, hence the better decisions we can make from thereon.
• What is usually described as love at first sight may not be so much of a hassle if we understand what characteristics are attractive to us. What truly captivates you will stay appealing to you as you prosper in time.
• As soon as one or both sides realize the vibe and act on it, we are at the next stage, conversation.
• To my understanding at this stage the key idea is having a good judgment and being true to oneself. If I may say, the the idea of selfishness or as Khoda puts it "Let each person in relationship worry not about the other, but only,only,only about self" is to some extent presentable ...
• Initiating a relationship for the wrong reasons - wrong tendencies - will hurt both parties ...

remembrance

I had decided to have a quite long weekend and catch up on some work. I turned down traveling and cancelled other alternatives. Turns out I can't find a breather between events though. No complaints, I am all smiles; I'll work harder during the week ...

ابراهیم

چه مردی! چه مردی! که می گفت

قلب را شایسته تر آن
که به هفت شمشیر عشق
در خون نشیند

و گلو را بایسته تر آن
که زیباترین نامها را
.بگوید

شاملو -

wiser

Apparently the dentist thought I had become too wise! I am now awaiting the chimp-face ...

rephrase

I hadn't been able to phrase it before although I had looked for the right words ... "Marriage is a partnership not a competition". It's good to have it here as a reference ...

decor

The plate read:

There are many things in Life that will catch your EYE,
but there are few that will catch your HEART

As if it knew we were there to say goodbye to them ...

بر سرمای درون

همه لرزش دست و دلم از آن بود
،که عشق پناهی گردد
پروازی نه
.گریزکاهی گردد

آی عشق آی عشق
.چهره آبیت پیدا نیست

احمد شاملو -

expressions

"Oppressed groups ideas are frequently placed in the situation of being listened to only if we frame our ideas in the language that is familiar and comfortable for the dominant group. This requirement often changes the meaning of our ideas and works to elevate the ideas of a dominant groups."

- Hill Collins

in love

She walked with trouble and had to lean on his shoulder to climb the single step onto the bus. He made sure she was seated properly and then sat down beside her. She took a newspaper out of her bag and started looking at it. As she flipped the page she rested her arm on his thigh. He took her hand and squeezed it ...

They were so in love that you could tell just by looking at them. And they were old, very old. The other night we were talking about whether love can last a life time or if it's other purposes that keep people together after a while ... I have always been a believer, you just have to make sure the feeling is from deep inside, you know when it's not ...

choices

Imagine you have many paths to choose from, which one would you pick?

• A path that looks promising, one you think you will like, but don't have a clear idea where it leads.
• A path that is simple, doesn't give you much but is rather straigth forward. You have the feeling that it doesn't lead anywhere specific but it's a safe walk for a while. And probably not very difficult to switch from.
• A path you have simply no idea about.
• A path that is is not as tempting for you as the first, but safer. You know that if you can get around the few bends you will probably end up close to the destination.
• One you have once tried and failed with and you are not very sure is the most interesting, but is probably easier for you this time ...

I am still not sure if my analogy is right about the paths I have, but it's how it looks for now ...

a mother

Imagine being a mother who's husband and family expect to hand her now paralyzed daughter to the federal health care system, where she knows she won't receive the intensive care she needs. Imagine you have to give up your job to take care of her, in hope of the day that she will regain part of her abilities. Imagine your therapist telling you it's your only way out, imagine everyone telling you you should move on with your life ...

thoughts

I took this photo some time ago on a trip in the interior. When I want to think about something seriously, I remind myself of it. There's something about the image in the water, being so mirror like, there's such a good analogy in it, so much like real life ... and the ups and downs and bends in the straws, it makes me want to shout how happy I am to live ...

my spouse

Apparently my medical insurance is covered under my spouse's benefit plan. I don't know the lucky guy yet but I think I should thank him ...

The problem is I feel partially responsible for the health plan that covers the graduate students, I should get to the bottom of this ...