my take - initiation
The debate over the need (or lack thereof) sacrifice in a relationship reminded me that this topic is long over due. I sat down to write; I decided not to think too much before writing, since I wanted the piece to reflect more of me, than my logic. After all, part of the purpose of writing is to gain a better understanding of oneself.
I'll try to classify the event in a few scripts, the best I can. I understand that the so called stages that I recognize are not general and a relationship in formation may or may not require these steps. I hope this provides us with some common ground, from which we can continue our discussions. Comments are much appreciated.
Initiation
- In order to start off any connection you generally require an attraction factor. If not from the beginning, it will soon have to be mutual; although the source of gravitation may differ in each direction.
- The first charm may not be the dominant one as the relationship is formed, but is the most essential. It is my personal opinion that the better the understanding we have of ourselves, the better we can determine the reason we are attracted to someone, hence the better decisions we can make from thereon.
- What is usually described as love at first sight may not be so much of a hassle if we understand what characteristics are attractive to us. What truly captivates you will stay appealing to you as you prosper in time.
- As soon as one or both sides realize the vibe and act on it, we are at the next stage, conversation.
- To my understanding at this stage the key idea is having a good judgment and being true to oneself. If I may say, the the idea of selfishness or as Khoda puts it "Let each person in relationship worry not about the other, but only,only,only about self" is to some extent presentable ...
- Initiating a relationship for the wrong reasons - wrong tendencies - will hurt both parties ...
posted by dokhtare aftab at 3:34 p.m.
13 Comments:
Wow..there are lots to think about! but lets not think a lot for this time..
by the way I do not personally belive in "love at first sight" like the general idea that people might have, but I would like to look at it from a diffrent point of view..
The couples in a good relationship should have four points of attraction in common..sextual,mental,emotional and spiritual (this is not from me but I belive its true and you might have heared of it too)..
and my point: it is not reasonable for at the first sight to be looking for anything more than the first point..It is not possible to know whether you are mentally, spiritually or emotionally fit with somebody else in the first sight(I mean first sight as it really means First Sight)..but it is possible to have an estimate of the other side's sextual attraction to you.. to know at least whether you are OK to go explore anymore.. after this very important step and to consider a long lasting relationship, ample amount of time should be put into it so both side can know each other (and more importantly experince "self" meanwhile) mentally, spritually and emotionally...I think this whole process of knowing might be called love, later on...
To sum up..the first charm is essential from my point too but I guess just from the way I explained..
so I would accept the "love at first sight" if I could rephrase it to "sextual charm at first sight" ...
"Initiating a relationship for the wrong reasons - wrong tendencies - will hurt both parties" I(Khoda) agree with this..but I am just concerned about right and wrong here..these are values you have chosen during time to assign to your doings...khoda did not created right and wrong but nigher I invite you to forget about your values..stick to them if it works for your"self" ..
I strongly disagree with you heyrani jan! I think you have missed a point. Do they go through a sexual intercourse at the very first moments of the first date to know if they are a good fit? :)) Based on some limited evidences, they just guess if they are, or they are not. In the same way, they can guess about other criteria too, and by time, they verify them.
Love at the first sight is true, of course, not for every one! I think those who fall in love like that, have already created an imaginary desirable person in their mind, have extensively worked on it, and have already fallen in love with that. If they happen to meet someone who is like their imaginary creature (basically in appearance), they just connect their imaginary personality to that one. They don’t need to do anything else, they are already in love!
Topoli joon..I did n't mean they will be 100% sextually OK later on but they can at least check their minimum physical requirment..you can say by first glance about someone else whether you might be able to one day consider sleeping with him/her....you know what I mean! this is a natural instinct that we all have...
Well,I agree with most of the things mentioned here except I think that there is some thing more than sexual attraction to love at first sight.I think it is also something about the other party's behavior, rather than his/her sexual attraction.
I think I agree with Topoli in that it is possible to fall in love by first sight .. there are stories of that in the history but we know that the true ones are so rare! They are like mutations in the history of human.We should be so lucky for such a pure thing to happen in our life considering that there are much more stories of failure that have started from “first sight love” base compared to successful ones.
People fall in love at the first sight and 6 months later when they are deeply engaged in each other they find out that they are having very simple problems! then in this case I can say that, this “first sight love” was not love from the beginning.It could have been a very strong sextual attraction that has been misinterpreted by both sides as true love. How can you know such a complicated creature in one sight?
So, from practical point of view I somehow prefer Heyrani’s way which is more trustable than making an “imagery” and just looking for somebody to exactly fit in it! I guess we are better to look at relationship like a process rather than a “first sight” goal kind of thing. this might not lead to a very big rare pick in our life but is at least more probable to end up with a decent relationship that we all deserve.
In my view we are better to put some minimum requirements and redlines that we have for our prospective partner and free up our mind of limiting full sized images that stops us from creation. and target at those who have these minimum requirements and then take our time with our experiments and ask the God to lead us to the better choice.
I also suppose that in case of mutual existance of the attraction factor(s) both sides should act on it and connect. There are many ways of connection but maybe face to face conversation is the most efficint and reasonable one.
That's right Pedram, it's not all sex. Here is an old article that shows it's a pre-programmed reaction: http://www.bbc.co.uk/persian/science/011011_face-s.shtml
The article was intresting, Thanks!
Heyrani, as much as I agree that the first charm is not always a clear indication of attraction, hence my concern over understanding oneself, I don't agree that the first attraction is purely sexual. The circumstances, someone's presentation of oneself, the first impression they leave, are all important characteristics which give you a vast amount of information in a short period of time. I should also add that I am not too keen on spiritual attraction ...
Khoda, I think wrong or right in this case is very self-centered if you may. "I like hazel eyes" is a perfectly acceptable reason and can give you more of a motive towards someone ...
Topoli, you reminded me of "I think I dreamed you into my life" ... I have read that body figures which are commonly known to be sexy usually bear characteristics that provide better breeding, so yes I agree that attraction to beauty is programmed inside us. We should learn to cherish it ...
Thank you topoly for the link. btw, I was thinking that we are analyzing something that is "emotional". In other words, in some people- many people- being attracted to somebody else is emotional, in other words, it is not supposed to be based on mere logic. So, maybe it should not be explainable?! Am I right or am I saying nonsense?!
i guess chances are, we won't be able to frame everything in words, probably we can all develop an understanding of the feeling explained in words. but who knows, maybe each of us internalize the concepts differently ... and then transfering it back and forth to words alters the concept ... hmm, phylosophic!
If this "first sight" thing can give the opportunity to both sides for "presentation of oneself" then I do agree that it can give lots of information, no doubt. but I personally know people that have gained a power of making great first impressions in others, and have succeeded to show something very different from what they really are, and even to keep it for a long time.. I say different.. I do not say bad or good..I do not judge..just very different
So, it is possible to get lots of information in our first encounters with others but how much of these datas are valid? Which one of them really relates to us..
maybe I was better to put it this way that the information that you get from sextual aspects are more trustable in very first impressions..by the way I believe you are also correct that words are very limited sometimes..
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