distant couples
I am bringing this up mostly as an observation. I know it still needs a lot of thought and, observation.
It happened again. A couple I knew separated. The thing I am seeing over and over about people who bond while one is living back home and the other is living somewhere else in the world. It seems they break up as soon as one moves to join the other.
I mostly blame it on the person who moves - whether they go back home or they move out of Iran. Knowing the pressures of adopting to a new environment, I have moved quite a few times in my lifetime, I can't pitch much of the blame on the person who isn't experiencing the change. And believe me, I have had the experience both ways.
But why do we break? Why do we think our partner is among the very many reasons we are confused and in a shock?
Logically you know it. You understand that your partner is not responsible for any of the problems that spring up. Aside from the new things that hit you every now and then, many of which you expected to be the other way around, may be you feel your partner is too laid back. Does not understand how worrisome things are. Does not pay enough attention to you or your situation. May be the scare from the new environment stimulates you to expect more from your partner, who may not clearly understand what you are going through.
Whatever the cause, from there the argument turns to "instead of supporting me you are adding to the difficulties" and we can all tell the tale from there ....
As you would expect culturally, women are more tolerant; and thus, from experience, I would say the relationship is less prone to dysfunctional symptoms when the woman is the one moving to a new place - don't read this so that it sounds feminist.
I should mention that the above arguments mostly hold when people are living together for the first time. The situation is totally different if they move together - which seems to strengthen a bond - or if they have lived together before - read:gotten to know one another well .... TO BE CONTIUNED
I mostly blame it on the person who moves - whether they go back home or they move out of Iran. Knowing the pressures of adopting to a new environment, I have moved quite a few times in my lifetime, I can't pitch much of the blame on the person who isn't experiencing the change. And believe me, I have had the experience both ways.
But why do we break? Why do we think our partner is among the very many reasons we are confused and in a shock?
Logically you know it. You understand that your partner is not responsible for any of the problems that spring up. Aside from the new things that hit you every now and then, many of which you expected to be the other way around, may be you feel your partner is too laid back. Does not understand how worrisome things are. Does not pay enough attention to you or your situation. May be the scare from the new environment stimulates you to expect more from your partner, who may not clearly understand what you are going through.
Whatever the cause, from there the argument turns to "instead of supporting me you are adding to the difficulties" and we can all tell the tale from there ....
As you would expect culturally, women are more tolerant; and thus, from experience, I would say the relationship is less prone to dysfunctional symptoms when the woman is the one moving to a new place - don't read this so that it sounds feminist.
I should mention that the above arguments mostly hold when people are living together for the first time. The situation is totally different if they move together - which seems to strengthen a bond - or if they have lived together before - read:gotten to know one another well .... TO BE CONTIUNED
posted by dokhtare aftab at 9:51 a.m.
9 Comments:
ok, i didnt know u r continuing, but still is good having the result of these years in your hand, any way, about ur recent post, actually i moved to a totally new environment and have had a lot of difficulties, to be honest some time i even used to think if i get marry and my husband ask me to move to some where new, i might get separated, it's very hard to adapt with the new environment, i should be very crazy to go and experience again, but now i feel i belong to no where, but still whenever i see some ones who want to move to new country i get very scared insead of them, and i give the rights to the person who dose nt want to move
What does one mean by distant couple? Does one mean couple e "chati"? :)
Why doesn't one try to look like oneself so the other person does not get scared when he/she moves and gets to know the real one?
sorry, my mistake. i think i mislead everyone on this. it's not the person who scares their partner, it's the new environment and ... i still haven't figured all the details but i have it on my mind ... what causes you to loose the strength and the belief in your partner when the outside is pressuring you ...
wow you seem to really know what you are talking about. I wish I get some experience so that I could deal with my problems as strong as you do. You sound very experienced up to the point at the first glance I saw your picture. I am very impressed by the way you analyse things around you and the influence of the environment. I was wondering what was the extent of physical intimacy of the couple that you are observing? Do you thing that is also a factor in losing faith in your partner after tolerating so much pressure from the environment considering the complex and sophisticated nature of our socio-cultural roots? A European friend of mine says this is very important.
i am just an observer, no expertise, no training. i have an interest in human pyschology, the everyday things ..
i agree with your friend based on the idea that generally, in a relationship, physical intimacy shows that we have establish a level of trust and understanding. to answer your question, some of the couples were married and others were ... let's say committed; so the relationship was on rather firm grounds in that perspective.
I like this post. Actually, I went back and married my fiancee after 3 years. I had to wait in Iran for more than 1 year to get my visa and come back. My wife moved in with me.I think we are a counter-example to what you wrote; however I can understand the problems you mentioned. I 'll write about this later.
No doubt that counter examples exist. But let’s look at it this way. You were fortunate that you had to stay in Iran for a period of time before coming back. It was a time when you had barely any responsibility and it was a place where your wife was comfortable. You both had the time to get used to each other when there was very little pressure on you. You also knew that you were going to move from there and had time to get ready – mentally I mean. Then you came back to America and you are living happily ever after – for which I am very happy for both of you.
The point is, people break when they face the outside pressure at the same time as having to learn to live with their partner. Their partner comes in as an opponent ...
I have a friend who married his long time girlfriend after they were apart for about 2 years. I see it this way, they had all their history behind them and that was how they got through the period of time when she had just moved to the US.
History is indeed important. I know other counter-examples as well. History is so important that I even know couple that do not have to face the presures of the new environmet, but because they do not have history they break up after getting to know each other.. well you know what I mean.. Seems that men are more afraid to make life-long commitment. In your mind, why is it so? why they miss so many opportunities? why poeple break up even when they do not have to face the new environment?
if it's ok i will leave the answer to this question to may be a future post
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